Want more Resilience? Try a Lacey Life

First posted on LinkedIn in Nov 2025

I’ve chosen the metaphor of a lacey life for a reason. Through my clients’ and my own bittersweet experience, I’ve learned that that when we live life as a dense mat – diaries crammed with meetings, projects, and, well stuff, however important – that often it does not end too well.

Structure and space

A lacey life has a structure – the important things are our non-negotiables and create a scaffolding for a life that is full, meaningful, healthy and productive. There is space to breathe, to allow the unexpected, to take longer at some things than you expected. To follow an unusual thread, to indulge in something unexpected that brings joy. To welcome strangers and nurture new ideas.

A lacy life supports living in a fast-changing context, where environmental signals are unfamiliar and unpredictable, requiring time to process in order to adapt intelligently. It supports innovation and creativity. It supports relationships and collaboration. By building in flex for strategic thought, physical recovery time and emotional support, then resilience and sustainability are powerfully supported.

The price of a dense diary

The hard truth to accept is that what suffers most in a dense mat of a diary are usually the things we prioritise least. Relationships, creativity and health are usually at the top of the “neglect” list.

This does not make us bad people, just unaware. Without realising it, we are succumbing to old scripts, and with good intentions are trying to be our best, most productive, organised, selves. But lurking under those noble intentions are fears. Such as fear of not being good enough, of not being useful, of not being strong enough.

Furthermore, if we have phobias and past traumas around things like relationships (because of painful breakups or deeper parental wounds), or dislike of certain responsibilities we have no way out of (me and my bookkeeping), we will keep ourselves busy with other things so we can avoid them. Confession – as I write this, I know I should be doing my bank statement reconciliations!

So, the mat becomes dense, especially in a 24/7 world of ubiquitous screens. Being busy, we look virtuous, so what’s to criticise? Except that maybe you missed a key moment in your child’s play because you weren’t there. Or your partner has drifted and you don’t know why. Could be your friendship pool is shallow, if indeed you have one. Maybe you keep catching every bug going. Or you’ve missed out on holidays, and maybe even missed work because of illness or burnout. Or you failed to spot that a new competitor could take key business from under your nose, because you didn’t have time to talk to your customer recently.

What’s really going on?

There are typically two things.

Firstly, you are likely filling every waking moment to please a world out there that you are giving permission to determine your worth.

Secondly, you may have some inner vulnerabilities that you’re protecting by living this way. That is to be appreciated rather than judged – we are doing the best we know how to take care of ourselves.

An uncomfortable truth

The uncomfortable truth that helps start to loosen this bind is realising that however much we are doing stuff for others, it is in fact all about ourselves. About feeling virtuous, fulfilled, needed.

Unfortunately, our unconscious strategy of protecting ourselves from external judgement and avoiding situations in our lives that really do need our attention. This avoidance eventually hurts us and others we care about along the way. When people realise this, they usually feel motivated to do something about it.

But change is not so straightforward.

It’s easy to say just make your life a looser lace where you have time to be more adaptive to change, smell the roses, be with the people you love, and really live life before years pass and you look back with significant regrets. If it were that easy many would be doing it already.

In reality, dealing with our unconscious avoidance patterns is neither comfortable nor easy. So, many do not, unless some crisis comes upon them. When that happens, a golden opportunity to reflect is presented. Values shift; priorities emerge that hadn’t before, priorities that people really commit to.

Why? Because they had a major wake-up call. And, in the face of a permanent loss of what they have been neglecting, they decide to get over whatever fear has been holding them back. In effect the fear of not having those things in their lives outweighs the fears to be faced in making them present.

Is a crisis necessary?

Can this new perspective be achieved without having to go through a big crisis? Absolutely, once people gain awareness and have a strong intention to reconfigure old patterns and open fresh avenues. It’s what I’m often doing with the leaders I coach, particularly those moving up to a strategic level. However, when things are going well, people are less likely to have the motivation to do the uncomfortable work of challenging long-held values and beliefs.

Questions you can ask yourself now

– Do I value myself, purely as an intrinsic being, independent of the value I add through my work and what I do for others?

– What gets neglected in my life and work – and why might I be avoiding in it?

– Is there anything I can and should let go? What’s stopping me?

The answers can be as difficult for us to see as the water is for a fish. So, working with someone who can see what you can’t, and hold a strong, gentle, supportive space for you, will accelerate the process dramatically.

If something here has landed, sit with the questions. And if you’d like a thinking partner to help you see the water you’re swimming in, you know where to find me, I’d love to hear from you.